I have just had one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.
I was searching through my Yelp bookmarked businesses to find the phone number to my eyebrow threader to see if she was still open. While searching I came across a massage spa that had pretty good reviews that I had previously bookmarked. I thought, what better time than now, after an achy day at the salon to get myself a nice massage. BAD IDEA!
I enter Hello Spa, located on Stockton Boulevard in Little Saigon. I was greeted by what I assume was supposed to be the receptionist. He asked did I have a reservation, I told him no, that I had just got off of the phone with him and he told me to come on in. He said, “Okay. That’ll be $40.”
"Huh? Excuse me? $40? You want me to give you $40 right now?"
Yeah, he did. So I gave him the money and he asked me what kind of massage I wanted. I DON’T KNOW! There were no signs on the wall, no menu. He said, “You want [insert some word I couldn’t understand]?” Me = o_o "You want ____? Yes, okay, I’ll give you _____" Apparently, [insert some word I couldn’t understand] is code word for “the most uncomfortable experience you can imagine”. Because that’s exactly what I got!
He proceeds to escort me to a room. While I’m walking, this tall ass Asian dude comes out of another room to the side of me. As I walk by, I catch his reflection in the big mirror in the hall and see he is staring at me and the back of my head like there’s something crawling on it. Maybe he’s never seen nappy hair before. Who knows!
I am taken to a room with a massage table and a chair. I sit in the chair and he closes the door, leaving me with absolutely no instruction. So I’m sitting in the chair, browsing Facebook on my phone when I feel someone WATCHING ME! I look up and notice the door has a damn WINDOW on it and there was some dude looking through it! At that time I couldn’t figure out if it was that tall ass Asian dude or some other dude. So I’m thinking maybe he’s lost and doesn’t know what’s going like me. So I continue to sit there and a few moments later he peeps through the window again! So now I’m like, WTF!!? Because the room is very small and the chair is right in front of this peeping Tom window, so I’m thinking I can’t be expected to disrobe in front of this damn widow! If so, somebody better start tossing some quarters under the door or something for this damn involuntary peep show!
So I get up and open the door and the dude is standing by the door with a mug in his hand that has a bottle of oil in it. So this is my MASSEUSE, not some creeper! “Am I supposed to get undressed?” Then he proceeds to nod his head and make some kind of hand gestures which I’m assuming meant, “I have no idea what the fuck you’re asking me because I don’t speak no English”. I gesture back mimicking me taking my clothes off. He nods yes, shakes the oil bottle in the mug, moves his hand in an upward motion and says, “SWOOSH!” the universal word for “I’m going to put this oil on you and rub you down.”
Now, a normal person would have been like, I’m out this bitch! And bounced! But that’s just not the shit that Ernestine does! I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel! So I close the door, beat the Guinness Book of World Records for the fastest outfit removal and jump on the massage table. The guy comes in shortly thereafter. He begins to wrap me up like a burrito with the sheets, cool. Then he massages me over the sheets a bit. After a while I hear something rubbing on the wall. Then I realize it’s his FEET! Somehow he’s maneuvered himself in a way that he has his feet on the wall and putting his weight on me and my massage! Ummm…I guess. Whatever works, right?
But I can’t relax at all! After I had convinced myself the receptionist told me I am getting the MILD massage, I was promptly removed of that notion because he was beating my spine DOWN like a mutha fucka! I’m like, this CAN’T be regulation techniques! This dude hydroplaning off the God damn wall and putting all of his weight in his elbows on my damn tail bone! Now I’m imagining me be paralyzed from the waist down and the paramedics having to pick me up from this place wondering how the hell I got my naked paralyzed Black ass in this predicament!
Hey! But I’m a trooper! No Pain, No Gain! So I let him continue. Now, this is when a bitch starts to panic! Because without any warning this dude gets up on the table and STRADDLES ME! Yes, Facebook Friends and Family, I think I have officially had my first intimate experience with an Asian Man! Because at some point (maybe several), I felt his nut sack on my backside!
By now, I’ve totally tapped out! Prayed to Budda that I would not be raped and sold into the Asian sex slave trade and just went to my happy place in my head! After some more hurtful rubbing, HE LEAVES! Didn’t say shit! Just left! So now I’m lying here, traumatized wondering if he was even coming back and what would happen if I got up and he came back in! So I just laid there and thought, I’ll count to 90 and if he doesn’t come back, I’m outta here! By the time I got to 25, he came back in. Fuck. He puts some hot towels on my back and then starts to massage me with them. Okay, I’m with it. Maybe that will stimulate the feeling back into my spine again. Then he starts to wipe my body down with the towels, I guess trying to wipe off the oil and lotion he used, even though I swear he was wiping me in places he never touched to begin with! But I’m like, at least I’m done with this!
NOPE! He bends down and says in my ear, “Turn Over”. Oh he DOES know some English! I flip my ass over and he puts a pillow behind my head. Okay, this is comfortable! Then he gets some lotion and starts to massage MY FACE! LAWD TAKE ME NOW! Y’all KNOW how I am about my face! So he’s rubbing my head, rubbing my face, rubbing the shit I got in my hair back down to my face! SMH I mean, ain’t no turning back now! He does about another 10 minutes of messaging and then he whispered sweet nothings in my ear, “Ok, I’m done”. Then he leaves.
Man! I got up so fucking fast and put my clothes back on! I was about to Flo Jo out that place! Until I opened the door and there he is! Standing with a cup of water. Fuuuuck! I down the water so I can go! Hand him back the empty cup and he just stands there looking at me, then looks down at my purse! He’s waiting for a TIP! REALLY!?? Oh yeah, real shit! I dig in my wallet, had him $5 and speed walked out of there! The receptionist said something, but I had no time to pay attention! I needed to be out of that building and in the safety of my own vehicle!
Now I need to go purify myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka and see if I can’t wash this trauma off of me!